So, I was up late drinking iced tea and cola, editing my old TV show, the Comic Book Show. I used to leave Philly late, but that night, I left way too late. Like after 3am. Now, keep in mind, at that time of night, I had a perfectly clean bathroom all to myself. Unfortunately, it was late and I wasn't thinking straight. All I thought was, "Man, I gotta get to my car before the crack heads take it apart."

When I get to the parking lot, I'm the last car. There is a crack head attempting to saw his way into the deposit box for the 24 hour lot. Fortunately, he's not brave enough to attempt to rob me. I get in the car and go. Almost immediately, I have to shit. I mean, it was shit switch time. I had to go, right now.

At 3:30am in Philly, there's not much open. I figured I could get across the bridge and find a diner or something. Unfortunately, I took the highway. By the time I got off the exit, I was brimming and I realized there was no convenient diner. Maybe if I wasn't clinching with all my might I could've thought of a place that was open, but it was beginning to effect my thinking.

I raised my ass above the seat and let off a little gas. Unfortunately, it wasn't gas. About to explode, I pulled to the shoulder near what looked like some woods and a field. I ran near a tree, dropped pants and unloaded. Unfortunately, my underwear was a complete loss. I abandoned them right in the field. The pants were an old pair of 80's jeans that were far too thin for the job, but what choice did I have? After wiping with the only good side of the underwear, I got back in the car and headed home.

I lived with my folks at the time, so I had to "dispose of the evidence". The pants, a complete loss, came off and I cleaned up in the bathroom. Rushing them outside, I shoved them into the deepest part of the trash, hoping never to see them again. One wash cycle later, my mother left them folded on the bed, no questions asked. Now that's a mother's love.